1/10 For: FRIENDS OF JACK Hi there! How are you? Can I smell your... Sorry. Today the medium boy apedog puppy let me out the back door and I found FOOD. It was in a big black plastic bag but IT WAS YUMMY. There were delicious part-gnawed pig bones and Old Burgers and some excellent Mature Stew .... ALL FOR ME! dROOOL. But then Pack Lady caught me and was MAD. I had ripped up a binliner full of rubbish. I am a Bad Dog. I am a piggy in a fur coat. I am a Fiend (what is Fiend?) Oh dear. sad dog. Sigh.

3/10 For: FRIENDS OF JACK. Hi there! Great to see you again. You smell lovely... Sorry. Guess what happened this morning? When it was still dark and quiet and all the apedogs were sleep-grunting in their nests? My tummy was very STARVING HUNGRY and so I went in the Food Room to smell what I could find. And GUESS WHAT? There was a Dogfood Tin right there, for me, on the counter where Packleader left it after FOODTIME last night. GOSH! WOW! HOW G-R-E-A-T! Mine now. Slurp slurp slurp, yummy... There's still quite a bit at the bottom. Slurp... push nose in... slurp, lick... Oh dear. OH DEAR OH DEAR OH DEAR. It's stuck. The Dogfood Tin is stuck on my nose. OH NO! Help help help... arrf arrf... yap yip wooof... Clang bang. Hit it on the wall, make it let go! Oh ?! ARRRRRF?! Clang. Bdoing. Bang. OUCH sore nose. ARRROOOOO! Help Packleader help! Dogfood Tin is biting my nose! Help yelp RROOOF! Here is Packleader. He is sad. He takes it off at last, whew thank you, Packleader, you are very clever. Oh. He is MAD. I woke him up. It is the middle of the night. I am a Bad Dog. Sigh.

6/10 For Friends of Jack: Hi again! Great to smell you again! Something funny happened. It was night night sleepy time. I was in the Great Eyes-shut Place with Very Slow Rabbits and Friendly Girl-Dogs. Rrrrufff... chase the rabbits.... snff snfff snfff... Smell friendly girl dogs. Run, jump... Woops! I can fly! When my packmembers see me in the Great Eyes-shut Place they say "Ah, bless. He's dreaming." What is dreaming? Anyway, I was there, chasing a Very Slow Rabbit and there was a very big huge tree so I did a lovely long Wet Message on it. In the morning, when my tummy was very hungry, Pack Lady came down stairs and said, "You Bad Dog! Look what you did in the kitchen! Bad!" Oh dear. It was a Wet Message on the Food Place floor. Oh dear oh dear. Who did it? It wasn't me. I was in the night time Great Eyes-Shut Place. Definitely not me, Pack Lady.

9/10 For Friends of Jack: Hi! It's happy Morning Time! Breakfast! Hi Packlady... ERRO! ERRO! I can talk Apedog barking. ERRO! Where is my breakfast, my tummy is very VERY EMPTY? Oh G-R-E-A-T!!!! Dog food! My favourite. Slurp slurp yum yum slurp gulp erp. More? Oh. Well never mind. I have spotted a kind of Dogfood called A Loaf of Bread on the counter. I wonder if Packlady will notice it's there? NO! gREAT! She leaves it there when she takes the littlest apepuppy to the Running Around and Shouting Place. OK. Hup, paws on counter, nibble nibble, drag drag... ooops, careful not to knock things down...GREEATTT! MINE NOW! Yum yum slurp slurp gulp yum yum erp. I like Bread. Oh dear. Packlady is mad at me. She is shouting I ate a whole loaf of bread. When? I never did? I don't remember it. Sad dog. Why is my tummy sore and gurgly? WHY IS SUPPER CANCELLED? ohhh nooo... arooooOOOOOOOOOOOO!

12/10 For Friends of Jack: Pad pad pad... Packlady is taking the supper dishes and putting them in a funny Woosh Woosh cupboard: she piles them up in a rack with all the yummy meat-juice and ketchup and cow-milk on and the metal things for ripping up food with in a sort of box. I am watching her, quiet dog, very careful. When lots of plates are in the Woosh Woosh cupboard she shuts the door and pushes buttons and there's a light and it goes woosh woosh woosh and after a bit she opens it and ALL THE LOVELY FOODY BITS ARE ALL GONE AND THE PLATES ARE BORING AND CLEAN! It is terrible. Awful. Why does she do that? What a WASTE! So I wait, quiet, not-really-here-type-dog and when she goes off to get more plates I GO AND LICK ALL THE YUMMY MEAT JUICE AND MILK AND MATURE BUTTER AND EVERYTHING ALL UP SO THE PLATES ARE NICE AND CLEAN (by Me!) Yyum yum slurp lick clatter yum slurp lick.... Happy happY HAPPPPPPYYYY DOGG!

17/10 For Friends of Jack: Oh GREAT, HAPPY PUPPY, WOOOPEEE... YIP YIP YIPPPPEEEEE... We are going walkies in the Kennel That Moves, off we go... vroom vroom... Tree tree tree tretretre... Round the corner.... Y-E-S-S-S! We are at the Very Big Funny-Tasting Wet that Goes Woosh Woosh Woosh... Hooray, I love it... Woosh woosshhh... Ah... paddle paddle... yum yum, slurp. Lie down, tickle tummy... Woosh woosh... Slurp more. Hm. funny taste, like crisps. OH GREAT. PACK LADY THREW A STICK. Paddle paddle paddle, get the stick. Again! Paddle paddle paddle get the stick. Again! Again!. Slurp. Paddle paddle paddle get the stick. Again! ....Tired now, back in the car. Oh dear. Tummy going round and round... Must have drunk something bad, better unswallow. Acka acka glerk. Oh dear. Why is Pack Lady mad?

26/10 For Friends of Jack: Oh GREAT WOW WOW WOW HAPPY PUPPY, HAPPY DOG! PUPPY bow, sniff tail end, gosh this is GREAT! Here is a lovely friendly girl dog, just like me only brown! How lovely to smell you! Pant pant pant. Lick face, lick lick. You are very pretty! You have a lovely friendly smell. Let's go running round the trees. Here is a Wet Message for you to smell! Ah, what a lovely Wet Message for me to smell, you are younger and not Ready at the moment and you want to play... Pant, bounce... Run here... Run there... Play ball... Pant wag tail... Whew. Tired now. Sleepy time. Snorrrre.

1/11 For Friends of Jack: OH YUM YIP YIP YIPEEE... Packlady is getting a huge great lump of MEAT for ME out of the Very Very Cold Cupboard With Snow In It That Hums. She is putting it in a bowl. She is putting it in another cupboard that goes mmmmmm mmmmmm. She leaves it there. OH GREAT. A BIG LUMP OF PIG MEAT FOR ME!!!! Oh dear. Don't do it, Packlady, don't do it... Too late. She put it in the Very Hot Cupboard. Drool drool drool. Lovely smells. Funny-looking dogs [*Cats, idiot, CATS - The Cats] come and sit on the table. Packleader is rushing around scraping Plant-type food for apes. Here comes the MEAT for ME. It smells G R E A T. AAAAHHHH. Sad dog. They ate it all up. HAPPY DOG. I get to lick the metal food dish the MEAT sat in. slurp yum yum dribble... ouch, bit my tongue, paw it... yum yum. Erp. More?

9/11 For Friends of Jack: GREAT! It's WALKIES. Hooray!!! Yip yip yipee! Puppy bounce! Happy puppy. Yip arf arrooof! WALKIES! WALK-WALK-WALKIES! Here is a sock, Packlady because I love you so much. Here is my lead, sorry it is a bit chewed and OFF WE GO... Hooray ! ARRRF! Walk walk sniff snortle mud mud mud...[*We interrupt this drivelling rubbish to bring you an important message from THE CATS. We would like to make it clear that we are EXTREMELY DISPLEASED by the current inclement weather conditions. Please stop the rain, hail, wind and mud IMMEDIATELY or We will be forced to kill more irritating hot-feathery-tweeties. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Sincerely, The Cats.] ....mud mud mud...snff...snortle...cows...snortle...walk walk walk. Happy sigh.

18/11 For Friends of Jack: Hi there Pack Lady. Can I smell your... Oh. sorry. Why are you getting all the FOOD out of the Very Cold Cupboard that goes Mmmm. Don't you know it's all hard and makes your teeth feel funny? Snff. snnortle. Snfff. Definitely food for the dog there. Yes, Pack Lady, I know you are happy to see me because you said the Happy Morning Bark "Gerroff you stupidog." Snfff... Yum yum... pig meat... My favourite. What? Why is it Bad Dog? I only licked it. Now my tongue is feeling prickly. Dribble.

21/11 For Friends of Jack: Why is Pack Lady mad at me? I only licked the hard Pig Meat from the Very Cold Cupboard. She is shouting. Packleader says it is OK, they can eat it. Pack Lady says possibly, but she thinks it's been in the freezer too long anyway. Packleader says the MAGIC WORDS. He says - oh I love you, Packleader, erro, arooo, here is a sock - he says: GIVE IT TO THE DOG. Yip yip yipeee Yip arroooofff... Mine? Mine now? Oh. Why do I have to wait for it to melt? Sad dog.

23/11 For Friends of Jack: Never mind, look, the medium sized boy puppy Packmember has just come back to the den and he has some Food for the Dog. It is sort of squashed up seeds mixed with sweet sticky stuff and BUTTER (yum) and then burnt. He says "Gerroff you stupidog, you can't have my flapjacks, I made them in D&T, they're mine, gerrOFF." Oh, OK, Packmember, I will wait. The Food for the Dog smells very delicious. It is on the table. Hmm. Wait. Lurk. Nobody here. Hup, front paws on chair, teeth on the food dish, pull, lick, pull... clangg! It's on the floor. MINE NOW! Yum yum... slurp slurp snuffle lick crunch gulp ulp erp. Thank you thank you, Packmember... Oh dear. Everyone is barking. Pack lady is very very MAD AT ME! Oh dear oh dear. What did I do?

28/11 For Friends of Jack: Today is always a Sad Day for the Dog. Pack lady puts all the nice mature Food for the Dog in plastic bags - bits of bone, old spaghetti, spat out toast, plant-type apefood, CHICKEN SKIN, old hard cow-milk, nice furry stew from the back of the Cold Cupboard... All sorts of yummy stuff FOR ME. Then Pack Lady keeps the bags safe in big round things so the Food can get really mature. But then she puts them Outside the gate and a Huge Great Den-That-Moves comes along and its apedogs STEAL the mature food in black plastic bags and THROW it in the back and the Den-That-Moves CHEWS IT ALL UP AND ROARS AT ME. very very scary. And sad. Why does Packleader let it happen?

30/11 For Friends of Jack: Lucky there is always more mature FOOD for the Dog. It goes in the plastic bag in a big long plastic box with a very annoying thing on top that goes to and fro and can trap noses. But if you wait until Pack Lady has gone to bed and if Packleader forgot to put it up on the counter, then a good bash with the paws and OOPs, on the floor, top falls off, lots of yummy FOOD FOR THE DOG. Bacon rinds! Cereal with cow milk! Yum yum gulp ulp slurp... oops it rolled... chase chase... This is a meat-skin, lovely meat-taste in it, slurp gulp... A food tin... slurp lick... Oh dear. Pack Lady is here. Hi Pack Lady, how are you? Oh. Sorry. How did she know about the bin?

8/12 For Friends of Jack: Oh GREAT. Today my Junior Apepuppy Packmember has a Notmypack Friend Junior Apedog puppy here to have Food and to play CHASING GAMES WITH ME... Yip yip yipeee hooray! Oh Wow! This is GREAT! Run run, chase a ball, catch it, sorry, did you want me to bring it to you? I forgot. Arooof! Yip yip aroof! And here is Pack Lady. She says: here is tea. YUM YUM food for the Dog! It is sort-of-flat-bread with cheesy stuff on top called pizza. YUM YUM. Why not for the dog? I like it? GREAT! They are playing. Chase chase, run run. They are Action Men, peeeow! neeow! crump kerrash!. Oh look! Somebody left PIZZA FOR THE DOG! Slurp gulp chomp ulp. Erp. More? Oh dear. Why is Pack Lady mad at me? Why is my Junior Packmember mad at me? What did I do?

18/12 For Friends of Jack: Hi! How nice to smell you! Here are lots of girlpuppy friends for my girlpuppy Packmember. OH GREAT! Pack Lady is making chicken wings and PIZZA for the dog. What? they are eating all the food? They are yelping and barking lots? They put a thing on the Howling and Banging Box that goes kaboom baboom yadayadayada arf arf awooo! AND I CAN DO IT TOO! Listen! I can do howling JUST AS LOUD. arroooo! ARROOF ARROF ARROOOOF WOW OWOWOWO AWOOOOO! GREAT! Thank you! they like it so much they are throwing pizza at me! I love you too, girlpuppies!

21/12 For Friends of Jack: Um Hi. There is something funny going on. Maybe keep a bit quiet and only arrf arrf a little. Can you see it? It's a tree, but WHY IS IT IN THE LIVING ROOM? Why is it all SPARKLY with NOT EATABLE STUFF on it? Why is it flashing lights and why is it BAD dog to do a Wet Message on it? I don't understand. Oh dear. Pack Lady is growling at me. Better hide.

28/12 For Friends of Jack: HI HOW ARE YOU? HOW LOVELY TO SMELL YOU AGAIN!!! HI! ARRF ARRF. Here we are BACK AT MY DEN! Here is everybody. There is a new plastic mouth-happy toy with wheels for the littlest ape-puppy. It goes eeeoo eeooo eeeooo wow wow wow and vroom vroom, on wheels. He goes "Peeow peeeow, I will get you Action Man, kkkkrash! Aha, I'm Action Man, I'm tougher'n you, Dr X." Neeeeoowwww, vrooom, crash! Soon I will chew up the new thing and make it all safe.

30/12 For Friends of Jack: WALKIES WALKIES YES YES YES YES WALKIES... YIP yipppeeeEEEE ARRF ARRF ARRF. Pad pad pad snff snortle snff snortle... HI THERE FRIEND! HI NotMyPack slightly Junior Girl-dog Kembo... This is great! Let's sniff tail ends! Let's sniff grass! And stones! RABBIT! Garage dog... grrrr! I hate him. bouncy bouncy... OH WOW GREAT! Thank you thank you, Kembo, what a beautifully complex and delightful mud wallow... kersplash, wallow, lie down... Ahhhhh. Oh dear Pack Lady. What's wrong?

31/12 For Friends of Jack: Hi! ARRF ARRF! Welcome, NotMyPack apedog friends, welcome. WHAT A LOT OF NICE FRIENDS! Can I smell your... Oh. Sorry. OH GREAT! You've brought FOOD FOR THE DOG! Isn't it for me? Sad dog. And also lots of Falling Over Juice. Look, Great Packleader is drinking Falling Over Juice and talking lots. So is Pack Lady. The apepuppies are upstairs eating crisps. What a lot of FOOD FOR THE DOG. Oh. What's wrong? Can't I have any? No? Oh sad sad starving puppy. eeoo eeooo. Thank you, I like crisps. Slurp. Yuk. I don't like Falling Over Juice made of bad grapes with bubbles in. Yuk. OH WOW OWOW! SMELL! Sausages. For me. Yum. Lurk lurk, wait quietly while the apedogs drink more Falling Over Juice and get a bit silly. Lurk. Just like a cat. [*Excuse Us, but the Big Stupid is nothing like a Cat and in any case We have already removed the carelessly ignored cooked chicken legs which are quite acceptable. It is true that Maisie is partial to bubbly champagne because it tickles Her nose but not true that Her legs then mysteriously cross over when She goes upstairs. - The Cats*] Lurk lurk lurkity lurk lurk... There! Nobody here!. Up on table with front paws, slurp snaffle, yum, ulp gulp gulp gulp... Erp. Yum. Sorry Packleader? What's wrong? I never did, I never stole your sausages? Cocktail sticks? What are cocktail sticks?

7/1 For Friends of Jack: HI THERE! HOW GREAT! WOW WOW OW WOWARRRF ARRF! Welcome NotMyPack girl-dogs, Welcome! You are sort of in my Pack because I can smell that your Big Huge Packleader is my own Packleader's Packleader. And your Packlady is my Packleader's Pack Lady. WOW! Much Respect. They are bringing even more plastic things for the ape-puppies who are jumping up and down and doing Much Cuddling for their Nanny and Grandad. ARRF ARRF WELCOME! Puppy bow. Hello sort-of-MyPack small-size girl-dogs, I smell you are nearly Ready, can we play the... sniff snortle...Yip yip. snuffle SNAP! oops! ouch! Maybe not.

13/1 For Friends of Jack: Oh SMELL! Muskie has brought in a little furry friend. He is running around and patting the new Furry Friend with his paws! Careful Muskie! You could hurt the new Furry Friend with your claw! Oh NO! Maybe this isn't Friendly Playing. Maybe Muskie is going to turn the Furry Friend into meat. OH NO! HOW TERRIBLE. STOP STOP! I will interpose my person... There, little Furry Friend, you can run off under the Cold Cupboard and be safe. WHEW! [*It is outrageous and offensive that the Big Stupid interferes with Our enjoyment of Hot Furry Dinners before We eat them. We will ignore the Big Stupid unmercifully to punish him. Meanwhile, We will wait for the Hot Furry Dinner to stop eating toast crumbs and come out from under the fridge so We can eat it. The Cats.*]

15/1 For Friends of Jack: Smell! This is interesting! The girl ape-puppy is running around waving her paws? Can I help, Packmember? Are you scared? Is there a flea? Oh. No. A dog is no good for this. She has got to make a cushion for Design & Technology tomorrow and she forgot all about it and she hasn't done any of it. Pack Lady is mad at her. Packleader is laughing lots. Where is food for the dog? Let me help by lying on your feet. Erp. They have got some bits of white-with-black-patches NotFur and an old cushion and the girl ape-puppy and my Pack Lady are up Very Late Indeed sewing away. Pack Lady is saying bad words. Food for the dog? I will help by eating the bits of NotFur on the floor. Oh dear. Not really food. Better unswallow quick. Ulp ulp glerp. What's wrong, Packlady and Packmember?

31/1 For Friends of Jack: Oh WOW AWOW WOOF ARROOF! This is so GREAT! Our Pack just got bigger (bigger than yours!). Smell! Here is my Packlady's Littermate and she has brought an apepuppy with her! A little rolypoly ape-puppy with only a little fur on head, still getting milk. Oh lovely cuddly little ape puppy. Here, I will lie down on this comfy mat next to you and you can pat me with your little paws and with bits of toy and you can feel my nose and lick my ear. Please be careful of my eyes - Oh Sad Dog. Your own packlady picked you up. Please my Packlady's Littermate, I love your puppy, I don't mind if he wants to pull my eyelids. Oh OK, he is in his highchair. GREAT! I remember this: Where there are very little apepuppies there is lots of food for the Dog! There! Smell! He dropped a nice piece of slightly chewed biscuit, just for me. Ulp gulp. Thank you thank you, little apepuppy. Show tummy. Respect. Happy dog.

5/3 For Friends of Jack: Hi there, HI HOW LOVELY TO SMELL YOU AFTER ALL THIS TIME! I have been very very busy. Lots of things have been happening, tho not much FOOD FOR THE DOG. Pack Lady says my tummy is tubby. She says I eat too much. NO NO NO, Packlady, I AM ALWAYS HUNGRY, I NEED MORE FOOD, NOT LESS. Also, Sad dog when little roly-poly milk-drinking ape-puppy went away. We are friends. He pats me. I clean his face of nice choccy - his Packlady never licks his face which is very neglectful of her, so I will. Also I will lick his little clever paws clean. He laughs lots. But he had to go away with his Pack Lady. Sigh. Sad dog.

23/4 For Friends of Jack: Oh Happy happy happiness! Here is Pack Lady! No more Sad Hard Place With Lots of Other Dogs! Hooray!. Bouncy bouncy puppy. Sorry, Packlady, I didn't mean to knock you over.

2/6 Oh dear oh dear. What's happening? Why? Why have you suddenly started moving stuff around? Don't you like it any more, Pack Lady? Here, I will chew it up... There, boring papers, grrr scrunch dribble dribble... You can't make Packlady mad any more. Did I do something wrong? Oh. WHAT? WHY ARE YOU MOVING MY BASKET? WHAT'S HAPPENING? AROO AROOARF ARF AROOOO! **************************************

4/6 Oh dear, make small puppydog. Packlady and Packleader have gone ape-crazy. They are doing Strange and Bad Things. All my nice complex-smelling floor furs are covered up with nest-materials. They are smearing white stuff on the walls. Head-whirly smells everywhere. Oh dear. What if they forget about FOOD FOR THE DOG?

9/6 Hi. Sniff this. It is a big pot of white stuff which my Packlady has been smearing on walls all day. It has a head whirly smell but it MIGHT be food. Snff snortle snff snortle... Ooops. Oh dear. It fell over. The top came off. Lots of white stuff everywhere. Oh dear oh dear. Better run away quick before Packlady sees. Nasty sticky feeling on my paws, run run run, round the sitting room, round the hall, round the kitchen, oh dear ARF ARF scary smells, sticky paws... Oh gosh, here is Packlady opening the door... Oops, sorry, Packlady, I have to run away now... bye...

12/6 um...hi... I am making small-little-puppy-dog not really here. Packlady and Packleader are very very VERY MAD at me. They say I did paint everywhere. I never did. They say all the carpets have white pawprints on them. They say I am a Fiend and they will need new carpets. What are carpets? Also, when can I have my supper, please?

12/6 Oh NO! HOW TERRIBLE! ARF ARF ARF WOOF AROOF! There are strange NotMyPack apedogs in my Den and they are pulling up all my nice-smelling white-splodged floor furs and taking them away. OH DEAR. What can I do? Packleader isn't stopping them. Packlady is saying, good riddance. Everything is DIFFERENT. And what about Food for the Dog? Arf?

16/6 Um... hi. Something TERRIBLE has happened to my Pack's den. LOOK! The floors are all different. And SMELL! The smell is funny - no more nice comfy Jack-smells and apedog-smells and funny-looking-dog-with-hidden-claws smells [CATS! you moron! We are CATS! The Cats.] All new-smelling and not like my den at all. I am a sad dog. Very sad dog. The NotMyPack apedogs changed all the floor furs. Sigh. I have tried rolling on the new ones but it hasn't helped much. Poor Packlady, you must be sad. Why didn't you bark them away, Packleader?

26/6 The floor-furs STILL don't smell right and I have done muddy pawprints on them and unswallowing and rolled on them and EVERYTHING. It is terrible. Nothing smells how it should. Sigh. Sad dog. Also Packlady says she will rip my lungs out if I do it again. Do what? What are lungs? Here is a sock to calm your tummy, Packlady, also, can I have some FOOD?

11/7 OK Packlady, let's go in the Kennel That Moves GREAT WALKIES LEAD HAPPY HAPPY DOG! Oh OK, hup. Are we going on a Great Food Hunt, clever Packlady? How did you know I'm hungry. EVER SO HUNGRY. Vroom vroom. All the dens and trees and people are moving past and it's windy outside. Long long long time. Boring. Go to sleep. We've stopped. Lots more cars, all sitting still, smell of cross apedog in the air. Why have we stopped? Is it WALKIES now? Oh. It's a traffic tailback. What's that? Can you eat it? Smell it? Oh. Boring. Go to sleep. (cont'd) ********************************

15/7 HERE WE ARE, THIS IS GREAT! Hello other dog's packlady called Mel - hi, I like you, can I smell your... Oh. Sorry. Pad pad pad, wag tail. We are in a sort of big den full of the treeish things that my Packlady really likes, called BOOKS.[[Note from the Packlady: we were at Waterstones in Plymouth.]] Lots and lots of BOOKS. I like BOOKS. They mean B.I.S.C.U.I.T.S.!!!! Yum. Dribble. Can I have one now? Bikky now? Please? Yum. Oops. Sorry, lots of books fell down. They were in the way of my tail. Oh well. Now bikky?

20/7 And HI new apedog puppies with books! This is great. Lie on back, show tummy, get patted... happy HAPPY HAPPY DOG. Wag tail. Pant. Can I smell your... Oh. sorry. OK, you have got a BOOK there. Now I give Packlady my paw and she puts it on a wet funny-smelling pad and then on the paper bit of the book and makes a nice smear and then Packlady makes a wiggle-shape on the book and the other apepuppy smiles and pats AND THEN I GET MY BIKKY! YUM DRIBBLE, CHOMP CHOMP, SLURP. erp. More?

21/7 Here is a new Packlady - and she has FOOD FOR ME! Yes! yip yip yippee! Snort scoff slobber slurp yum yum FOOD FOOD FOOD. erp. More? Oh well. Now we are going WALKIES in a Lots of Dens Together place, with lots of new apedogs around. Pad pad... Wet Message... Pad pad... More Wet Message. Say hi! to an apedog at place where they make apedog bread-with-tomato-and-cheese and stuff, yum yum FOR ME? Oh. Sad dog. Never mind, lie down, show tummy. More books now? OK... Dribble dribble... When I paw a book I get a BIKKY. YES YES YES, APE PUPPIES, GET MORE BOOKS SO I CAN HAVE MY BIKKY!

23/7 Paw book... Bikky, slurp crunch. Yum Paw book... bikky, slurp crunch. Yum. Paw book... bikky, slurp crunch. Yum. Hi apepuppies, I am so happy you like me, I like you too... Here is my tummy, pat pat... rub... groan... HAPPY DOG. Oh is that it? Are we going now? Bye bye, other dog's packlady, how nice to meet you, can I smell your... Sorry. Hup in the car. Drive drive. Boring. Go to sleep. Now we're HOME. Where is my food, Packlady, I am VERY HUNGRY! What bikkies? I never had any bikkies. I am STARVING! It's DAYS since I had any food. FOOD NOW. PLEASE?

25/7 Oh dear, Packlady is mad at the clicky-clacky flicker box. Something is wrong with it. The strangled-mouse-noise box is making other-type noises. Here you are, Packlady, here is a sock to calm you down. Oh dear. She is shouting at the clicky clacky flicker box. She is barking at the email. It is a bad email, it won't work. ARF ARF! BAD BAD email, I will bite you, or anyway I will bark very loud while Packlady bits you, WOOF WOOF ARROOOOF!

26/9 HI Apepuppies! How lovely to smell you again! Arf arf arf ARF ARROOOF! Where have you been? What happened to the old clicky-clacky flicker box? Now we have got a new-smelling one and Packlady has stopped shouting and barking at it too. This is GREAT! Can I play with the little bone-with-a-tail? Please? Why not? The cats do![Note from the Cats: We would like to make it clear that Our enjoyable games with the Cat Toy attached to the clicky-clacky flicker box had NOTHING WHATEVER TO DO with it apparently becoming Meat.]

2/10 Oh dear. Sad dog. Girl apepuppy went to the Running Around and Shouting Place for Big Apepuppies with her big heavy bag full of not-eatable paper stuff. Then she came back early! Great! HI THERE, GIRL PUPPY, CAN WE GO WALKIES? arrOOOFFF! But no. She is sad. She is going into her nest. She is sick. She didn't eat any lunch! Poor POOR Apepuppy, I love you. I will push the door open with my nose while you are asleep and come and lick your face to make you feel better. Oh. Sorry. Why is that Bad Dog? I only want to help. Sigh.

15/9 Hi friendly-smelling people, there is lots and lots of dog-food here - yummy yummy tacos and those nice flat bread thingies called tortillas, only I didn't manage to eat all of them, just a few, and very-hot-and-spicy-meat and CHOCOLATE CAKE... dribble dribble. I like it when my Packlady has a party. So many friends for tickling my tummy. SO MUCH FOOD! FOR THE DOG? YES!!! FOR ME...!

23/9 Oh WOW! How GREAT! Three girl-puppy apedogs want to take me for a walk! Snff snff snortle. Wet Message, Wet Message. We have a new den and there are big fierce dogs over there. ARRFF ARFF! Oh hi. Can I smell your... Sorry.

23/10 Oh dear oh dear. What is happening? There are NotMyPack apedogs around. They have pulled up the floorfurs and dug holes underneath - but there are no bones there! They are putting long metal hollow things in and sticking things to the walls. It's terrible. Why is Packlady allowing it? Maybe I should bark at them? Oh, I suppose they are all right if they pat my tummy. And at least the funny-smelling fire in the Sitting and Eating Room is nice and warm now. OK, I can't stop them digging holes in my den so I will warm my tummy instead. Packlady can drive them off if she wants and I will stand behind her and growl and bark very loud.

25/2 Another cracking review from Mat Coward in December's 'Morning Star' - "Gloriana's Torch... is one of the most extraordinary novels that I've read this year... Through it all the author keeps her plot driving forward, combining terrific suspense with a kind of wild history safari, ranging from the historical importance of Protestantism to the practicalities of the Armada. Finney is clearly a free spirit, unwilling - perhaps even unable - to be bound by any laws of literature or history. The muscular poetry of her writing lights up with the sheer glee of invention and gives readers a rare feeling of living other lives in other times." Do you blame me for wanting to quote that? Sometimes, as a writer, you're sitting at a computer tapping away, trying to capture a very complex and chaotic butterfly with words and you never really know if you caught the little bastard or squashed it flat. So it's nice when someone understands what you were trying to do. By the way, for anyone out there envying my life in Spain, it's been tipping down with rain for the past week here and in fact giving Cornwall a run for its soggy money.